It's all about the smell of a good merlot.

Two years ago, I didn't know the difference between grape juice and wine. 

Today I pretend to know the difference.

But there is one thing I will admit. I savor the sensation of a deep red wine when I'm in the mood for it. Generally that mood comes after a long day where I'm burned out, exhausted, or just whiny. I don't know that I even like the taste of it, but I love my physiological reaction - the calmness - that the smell of red wine induces. Sigh. Merlot. 

That, and I love buying wine for its packaging. I judge a bottle by its label, just like books. Tonight? Little Black Dress. How can any girl turn that one down? 

I'm trying to figure out where I am in life. I have a great job, but it's not fulfilling. I'm fundamentally lonely for the first time I can remember. And I can't seem to stay busy enough to forget about it. I'm also making mistakes like reading books that remind me to reflect.


Let's be real. Reflection is scary. 


And starting a yoga-rific path, complete with some holistic healing, eating, and attempted lifestyle; yep, that's right up there with reflection. Doesn't do great for hiding within. So I'm ripping off the bandaid slowly, and curious to see what lies beneath.


Don't get me wrong, my life is great. I have great friends, a great family, a strange but wonderful other half, a stellar job that's a bit too much for this point in my life, and the means to enjoy them all.


And yet, I want more. 


There's got to be something wrong with me, other than it's Friday night and I'm so caught in my head I'd rather be writing than out with those fantastic people mentioned above. Get it together girl, get it together.


I think I'm learning that sometimes you have to fall apart to be put together.

All journies have a beginning.

This is my beginning.

I haven't blogged in ten years. I hate Times New Roman font. I'm an engineer, a midwesterner hiatused in the desert. I love people most of the time, just not today. I'm a recent vegetarian, an occasionally-aspiring yogi, and more stuck in my head than I'd like to be. I am blessed, and my problems are, if anything, first world problems. I try to make the best of every situation, and bring out the best in everyone. But I try too much. I would love to be the world's bandaid. 


I took twenty minutes thinking of a username. I wanted to use Ghandi, but it was too lofty. I'm not Ghandi, though I do aspire to be the change I want to see in the world. And most days, I think I make it better. Though whenever I have a moment where I think, "I hope karma appreciates this," I'm pretty sure my karma points drop to zero.


I'm an engineer by degree. I'm a twenty-something, working with mostly those who are not quite as twenty-something. The crazy thing? I'm in charge. And most days, it all goes okay. I work with good people, great people, and their energy brings us to the next level. But although I can be an extrovert, people are exhausting. And feeding twenty egos has its cost. 


I try to always find the humor in life, situations, experiences. And I'm awkward as ever. Tall, flailing, and as uncoordinated as they come, and I'll hug you from a mile away. 


I'm from the midwest. I miss it dearly. Not the right-wing-isms, but the family and down-home values. I've been away for almost five years, and I still find the desert quite prickly. And although I love the diversity and the adventure, I have moments where I crave the comfortable. 


I hate balloons. I trust too easily. I have some great friends in my life, and even more awesome family - adopted and legitimate. I dig peace, and one of the hardest things to cope with is being disappointed by someone you've chosen to trust. 


I say I fear commitment and children. I'm not sure how true that is, but it's an easy scapegoat. 


I want to make a difference. I want more.

I want to make sure that we enjoy the journey, because I'm not certain where I'm going. I think I'll know it when I get there.